Yes, I'm Ordering A Mocktail. The World Doesn't Need To Know
Unless you want a noogie, too
Just so we’re clear, I’m not quitting drinking. That would be like Kristi Noem quitting Botox, or our mayor quitting bribes. But like a lot of people these days, I’ve been trying to drink a little bit less, if for no other reason than to keep my liver from someday looking like a moldy cantaloupe.
In this pursuit, I’ve begun trying a variety of non-alcoholic beverages. And because Diet Coke – my non-alcoholic drink of choice since kindergarten – is only slightly better for you than drinking Windex, I’ve branched out into zero-proof beers and cocktails. As you might imagine, this has brought immeasurable joy into my life, if joy in your language means “soul-crushing boredom.”
The upside is, drinking non-alcoholic drinks here and there has saved me approximately 100,000 calories, according to my handy drink tracker. That’s almost enough to offset an entire meal at Blue Collar. It’s also allowed me to do superhuman things like drive home after day-long football marathons at The Brightside*, or go to the gym after lunch.
Many of my friends, on the other hand, have not adopted the reduced-drinking lifestyle. And while some friend groups may do crazy things like support each other’s healthy life choices, I come from a friend group called “men.” Men are required by man code to very-vocally judge each other for any life choice that wouldn’t be fully endorsed by Frank Sinatra. And we all know what The Chairman would have done if you ordered something called a “Mocktail.”
This is why I want to give servers out there a little public service announcement on behalf of those of us people – aka men – who want to order a non-alcoholic drink without announcing it to the table like we just got Bingo!
STOP TELLING EVERYONE WE’RE ORDERING A MOCKTAIL
First of all, the name “mocktail” is terrible. It has the word “mock” in it, for crying out loud, which is exactly what’s going to happen to whatever poor sap orders it as soon as the word comes out of your mouth.
I’m subtly ordering your “Cucumber Mint Cooler” by name in the hopes nobody notices, so my afternoon of sobriety can fly under the radar. The $14 price tag** on that glorified glass of seltzer water goes a long way to help my cause. But you know what doesn’t help? You announcing to the table, “Oh! You want a MOCK-tail?” Then, in case anyone didn’t hear you, following up with, “The zero-proof? With no alcohol?”
Yes, Chaysen, I can fucking read. I see it’s on the “Zero Proof” list and I was ordering something that sounds like it might have booze, in hopes my friends wouldn’t immediately look at me like I just announced I’m now identifying as a gerbil.
Now, at best, I’m going to have to deal with a chorus of, “What did we do to you to deserve this?” and “Why do you hate fun?” for the rest of this football game, likely followed by a stiff noogie. Whereas if you’d just taken my order, kept your mouth shut, and served me my muddled strawberries and Schweppes nobody would be any the wiser.
When you say, “Oh, you want the mocktail?” what you might think you’re saying is “I just want to make sure you know what you’re ordering so you don’t send it back.” What me, and my entire table of dudes who just ordered 7.2% IPAs heard was, “You lily-livered coward, should I order you a kale salad and an Evian water while I’m at it?”
So while drinking less isn’t a bad thing, some of us don’t want to advertise it like we just got engaged. Some of us would rather make healthy life choices without having to answer questions about it, and your discretion in this matter is greatly appreciated. So either ixnay on the N/A, or I’m ordering a $3 Diet Coke that I’ll ask you refill 11 times. The choice is yours.
*Surprisingly, this is *not* the name of a rehab facility in Delray but actually a neighborhood bar with some of Miami’s best wings.
**This is an entirely different rant for another time