Yes, I'm Ordering A Mocktail. The World Doesn't Need To Know
Unless you want a noogie, too
Just so we’re clear, I’m not quitting drinking. That would be like Kristi Noem quitting Botox, or our mayor quitting bribes. But like a lot of people these days, I’ve been trying to drink a little bit less, if for no other reason than to keep my liver from someday looking like a moldy cantaloupe.
In this pursuit, I’ve begun trying a variety of non-alcoholic beverages. And because Diet Coke – my non-alcoholic drink of choice since kindergarten – is only slightly better for you than drinking Windex, I’ve branched out into zero-proof beers and cocktails. As you might imagine, this has brought immeasurable joy into my life, if joy in your language means “soul-crushing boredom.”
The upside is, drinking non-alcoholic drinks here and there has saved me approximately 100,000 calories, according to my handy drink tracker. That’s almost enough to offset an entire meal at Blue Collar. It’s also allowed me to do superhuman things like drive home after day-long footba…
