Yes, I'm Judging You For Your Food Delivery
You hate money? Or just the planet?
Hey, nice lunch there.
Wait, is that your lunch, or are you moving your son into the freshmen dorms? There’s a plastic box for your salad, a plastic box for the nuts that come on top of your salad. Did they really deconstruct your chicken sandwich so the chicken, the bun, and the lettuce each got a plastic box?
I mean, I’m no climate scientist. But I’m pretty sure your lunch just raised the earth’s temperature by at least three degrees.
What’s that? Oh, you’re re-CYCLING! Oh, well then, carry on. I’m sure your containers are going to a facility somewhere in Oregon where they’re turned into shoes for underprivileged orphans. And definitely NOT thrown in the same landfill as every couch in Little Havana.
No, you’re right. Technically the restaurant is who packed your lunch in three triceratops’ worth of petroleum. But they have enough problems with influencers demanding free chicken wings. No, I think like with drugs, prostitution, and every show on Bravo, the problem here lies with the end user - and that’s you.
I know, I know, you’d just as soon cook as get a prostate exam from Wolverine. But I’m just a little confused why you’re paying so much to get soggy, congealed, half-hour-old food? Is that the new trend in restaurants? Did I miss the chef’s interview where he said, “This dish is great, but put it on the back of a moped for 40 minutes and the flavors really shine!” Pardon me, I clearly underestimated your cutting-edge palate.
Oh, yes, I under-stand. Groceries are expensive these days, how is our generation ever gonna afford to buy a house? Restaurants are even worse, charging as much as they do. Lemme see that receipt.
Hmm…says here your salad was $12. Then there’s a $7 delivery fee, a $2 city street surcharge, a $4 Fuck You fee, and a 25% tip to Gomere. Who’s Gomere? Gomere is a ROBOT? You tipped 25% to a ROBOT? The fuck you think a robot is gonna do with $7.50, take himself to a matinee of Wall-e?
You do realize you could have walked down to the restaurant and paid a reasonable $12 for this, don’t you? Right, that would have involved putting on pants. Totally worth the extra $20. So much for buying a house.
What’s that you’re looking at on your phone? Oh, posting memes about how Donald Trump is killing the planet…cool, cool. Hey, I think your plastic soy sauce packet squirted on your No Kings shirt. Maybe you can toss it in the trash, right next to those unopened Sierra Club donation requests and your five days worth of Uber Eats containers.
I mean, some people say saving the planet is an individual thing, and an individual who gets food delivery five times a week probably isn’t helping. But I’m not one of those people. So, ya know, fight the power, save the whales, and whatnot. Just don’t let anyone suggest you cook.
Well, if you need me, I’m gonna head down to that same restaurant and pay half as much for my lunch. I’ll even leave a good tip, for an actual human. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone while I’m there, a new friend or someone who changes my life. I’m sure you’ll have fun doomscrolling over a take-out box, though. Should I pick up your Lexapro while I’m out?