Stop Pretending You Actually Like Uni
It's time we admit sea urchin is just expensive ocean slime
I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: uni is gross. The texture, the taste, all of it. And we need to stop pretending otherwise.
Want to know what uni actually is? "The edible reproductive organs, or gonads, of the sea urchin," according to my friend, Google. Yeah, you read that right, we're paying an extra $30 a dish to eat…. sea creature sex organs.
Let me paint you a picture. About eight years ago, I was in Japan with a group of friends having what was supposed to be the nicest meal of our trip. Multi-course, fine dining, the works. Then out comes a course of uni soup. Not uni on rice. Not a dab on sushi. An entire bowl of sea urchins floating around like an oceanic nightmare.
There were seven of us at that table, and we all looked at each other with the same horrified expression. We knew we had to eat it. We knew we had to smile while doing it. And we all knew we were about to trauma bond over one of the most overrated ingredients in the culinary world.
It’s gotten to the point where I almost dread omakase dinners — and yes, I go to an unusually high amount of them for work purposes — because I know there's going to be a uni course. I know I'm going to have to choke it down with a smile while pretending this slimy, custard-textured blob of ocean floor is some kind of delicacy.
My worst uni encounter? I was on a first date about a decade ago, also at an omakase, and they served uni. I nearly had to run to the restroom. Nothing says romance like gagging into a napkin over ocean snot. Shockingly, that date did not lead to a second.
Here's what nobody wants to admit: uni tastes like the ocean had a bad day. It's got this overpowering oceanic flavor that dominates 95% of whatever dish it touches. And that weird, creamy texture? It's like eating expensive snot. Even at its absolute freshest from the highest-end supplier, it still has this unique taste that just isn't for most people — even if they claim it is.
But restaurants keep putting it on everything because it's expensive, and expensive equals fancy in the food world. It's become the culinary equivalent of wearing designer clothes with the logo plastered all over them. We're supposed to be impressed, but mostly it just looks try-hard.
The truth is, uni has a short shelf life and tastes like low tide even when it's perfect. Yet we all sit there nodding along, pretending this gelatinous sea creature is the peak of sophisticated dining.
So please, restaurants, can we just get over this whole uni obsession? Let's get back to ingredients that don't make your dinner guests question their life choices. Save the sea urchin for the people who actually enjoy it. All twelve of them worldwide.