Shut Up and Eat Your Dumplins: Cracker Barrel's Food is Still Spectacular
And leaving it over a logo would have been...just plain dumb
In last week’s episode of “American Outrage” a bunch of dudes with bad chin beards and Huk shirts lost their collective mullets over that most critical of national issues: A chain restaurant logo. From the front seats of their F-250s, they launched a nationwide movement not seen since the Vietnam War, or, at least, the last time Disney cast a new Little Mermaid. And now it seems old Uncle Herschel will be back where he belongs, gazing out over the parking lot at the nearest Home2Suites.
But in this national crisis we seem to have forgotten the thing that brought us all to Cracker Barrel in the first place: Bedazzled nativity scenes. But also, the food! Nobody has ever sped along an Interstate and said, “Boy, I’m starving for a logo!” But we have, on many occasions, said, “Boy, I could go for enough chicken fried steak to clog at least two arteries.”
Sure, the new Cracker Barrels feel less like the “Old Country Store” and more like “the breakfast area of a Hampton Inn.” But the food hasn’t changed, and in an era where spending $100 for dinner out has become the norm, we should all be grateful it’s still around. Start boycotting Cracker Barrel because you don’t like the logo, and your options for affordable dining dwindles. You ever try ordering pancakes for dinner at Chili’s? It’s the fastest way to get cut off from 2-for-1 margaritas. And the only other place serving breakfast all day requires MMA training.
Inflation-busting fried chicken, and a free breakfast with every meal
Cracker Barrel’s food is still as great as always. And, still affordable. Take the fried chicken. Your average restaurant in Miami charges about $35 for a fried chicken they claim is brined for, roughly, a week and a half. Cracker Barrell’s very un-brined fried chicken? $14.99. I can only assume the skyrocketing price of brine is a major economic issue, and should be immediately addressed by the president.
The Big Barrel Cheeseburger is also a bargain at $11.99, or roughly the price of a Baconator combo at Wendy’s. It’s also the same size as the $27 Sysco Wagyu burgers I see on menus around town. Is it as good? Not quite. But for $11.99 maybe I don’t actually need pork belly and caviar on my hamburger.
You could carb load for the Ironman with the classic Chicken n’ Dumplins - no G. The menu lists these things at 350 calories an order, a claim about as believable as “I was never on that island.” But much like in airports, calories at Cracker Barrel don’t count. If you came in here trying to eat healthy, you probably also moved to Miami trying to meet someone “real.” So just go ahead and delve into those soft pillows of gravy-covered goodness.
The fried cinnamon apples are still one of the greatest hacks in restaurants, a chance for you to sneak in a second dessert and disguise it as a “side.” At about $3, it’s less than the price of a chocolate chip cookie at a coffee chain, and getting it heated up doesn’t require waiting behind seven people demanding oat milk.
Cracker Barrel also starts you off with biscuits and cornbread, which are neither “hand-crafted” nor “cooked from scratch.” But you know what they are? Free. In an era where Mexican restaurants charge you $9 for two fried tortillas and a bowl of Pace Picante Sauce, Cracker Barrel is giving you an entire freaking breakfast…FOR FREE. You could literally order the cheapest thing on the menu, and they’ll still bring these out – with butter and jam. That’s a $25 value at anywhere serving brunch with a live DJ.
The cheapest bar in America that won’t require a tetanus shot
Cracker Barrel even has a wine list now. Ok, not so much a wine list, but a wine picture, depicting a few bottles that I’m pretty sure were sourced from the Chevron station across the parking lot. A glass will run you about $6.50. For the same price, you can order off the menu of cocktails, crafted from the finest malt liquor you can fit in an aluminum can. They taste a lot like the St. Ides Special Brew I remember from high school. Cracker Barrel is nothing if not nostalgic.
So whatever you think of its logo, ignoring the food is forgetting why we fell in love with Cracker Barrel in the first place. And unless you’d rather pay twice as much for food half as good, just podcast less and eat more.