Only Suckers - and New Yorkers - Wait In Line For Food
If that pizza doesn't come with a villa in Tuscany, you're wasting your time
Over the past five-ish years, you may have noticed some unpleasantness that’s come with the wave of people from, according to them, “the greatest city in the entire universe, and a few universes we don’t know about yet.” Things like Knicks fans. And studios that cost more than your parents’ house. But today’s hot take isn’t about any of those things, it’s about a human behavior so inherently dumb you’d only expect it from hockey players. I’m talking, of course, about waiting in line for food.
Waiting in line for food is a popular thing for New Yorkers, who are known to wait in line for toothpaste if the weather is nice. One might think with the abundance of great museums, unrivaled restaurants, and world-class theatre they claim to have, there’d be better things to do than spend an entire morning queueing up for a donut. Then again, you’d also guess they’d have public trash cans.
Miamians, we’re a little smarter. Or, at least, we were.
Once upon a time, there were only two things Miamians waited in line for: Concert tickets at Spec’s, and Knaus Berry Farm cinnamon rolls. Even during our South Beach clubbing heyday, no self-respecting local would be caught dead waiting in line. Mostly because we’d all worked with, slept with, or done something illegal with the door guy.
Then last week, I was walking through a strip mall and saw a line so long it stretched past at least three fronts for Medicare fraud nail salons. I assumed people were either lining up to meet the Pope, or Apple has just released a new AI-powered paperclip.
It was neither. This mass of humanity was spending a perfect 74 degree Miami winter Saturday waiting for…a bagel sandwich.
Even during our South Beach clubbing heyday, no self-respecting local would be caught dead waiting in line. Mostly because we’d all worked with, slept with, or done something illegal with the door guy.
There are countries where people wait in line for three days to get a box of Pop Tarts. And somehow, with the abundance of food we have, Miamians are still choosing to wait in line for…a bagel sandwich?
Maybe I need to put this in terms Crypto traders and Only Fans models understand:
How much money do you make an hour? $500? Now let’s suppose you spend half an hour waiting in line for a slice of pizza, because it looked good on Instagram. The 30 minutes you just spent waiting for A SLICE was worth $250. Plus the $9 you just paid for that slice - because the lowest tip option for heating up said slice was 25% - and you effectively paid $259 for, again, A SLICE. You are never allowed to complain about a $30 pie again.
We live in one of the greatest food cities on the planet, and with so many options there is absolutely no reason to ever wait in line for food. There is not a single bagel, brisket, burger, sandwich, or slice of pizza in this city so good you can’t find something equivalent without the wait. And if you’re waiting in line, you’re effectively telling the world you’re a sucker for social media. In which case, I’ve got a great way to help you with your student loans. Hit me up in the comments.