Enough With The "All Sides" Bullshit. Turkey is Still King on Thanksgiving.
You probably don't have sex on Valentine's Day either
There’s a movement out there - and by “movement” I mean “a lot of people ranting about it in the front seat of their cars” – to eliminate turkey from Thanksgiving dinner. A holiday revolution insisting “Thanksgiving dinner should be all sides,” like somehow having mashed potatoes for dinner is going to free us from the Matrix.
In their carb-addled lunacy, a dinner of rolls, carrots, and marshmallow-topped mystery puree is perfectly acceptable, reducing the year’s biggest feast to a bad church potluck.
This, ladies and gentleman, would be like saying Christmas would be better without Santa Claus. Or that St. Patrick’s Day would be better without IVs.
Look, I love me some sides. And don’t think for a minute that my Thanksgiving plate won’t have more beige food than a hospital cafeteria. But turkey is as much a part of Thanksgiving as the Macy’s parade and your aunt’s conspiracy theories. And without it, you’re just inexplicably having dinner before noon. Nobody ever calls Thanksgiving “Green Bean Casserole Day.” You don’t see people getting up early to run a Yam Trot. Turkey is the reason for the season, and while you might say the holiday is about thankfulness, that’s like telling a 7-year-old Christmas isn’t about presents.
First of all, turkey is the perfect protein. It has just enough flavor to stand on its own, but holds back enough to work as a vehicle for gravy, cranberry sauce, Tabasco sauce, ranch, or whatever weird stuff your family does. The bird is abundant and easy to obtain, and one turkey feeds a family for a week. Or, if you have a good freezer, until 2029.
Turkey is also relatively healthy. If you’re the odd person who doesn’t treat Thanksgiving like their own personal episode of “My 700 Pound Life” turkey should be your favorite part of the meal. It’s a low-fat, lean protein that, if you eat it without sides, allows you to out healthier-than-thou your little cousin, who’s vaping her dinner and telling anyone within earshot she doesn’t drink.
All year long, I see fitness influencers - who may or may not be actual people – blaming carbs for everything from heart disease to the Marlins suspect bullpen. While at the same time telling me lean protein can solve the war in Ukraine, balance the federal budget, and clean my tile grout. Then somehow when Thanksgiving rolls around, all they want are bread rolls and mashed potatoes. And you wonder why I think they’re all AI.
But most importantly, turkey is the centerpiece of Thanksgiving dinner, and whether you like turkey or you don’t, it’s the glue that holds the meal together. It’s the captain of the Thanksgiving plate to which all other dishes must report. And without it, what do we have? Thanksgiving anarchy. And in a time when it feels like the world might be falling apart, at least we have turkey on Thanksgiving as a heart-warming constant.