Remember when you were a kid, when you’d stroll* down to the local National Chain Pizza Place® and stuff yourself stupid for, like, $5.99? You’d mix every soda in the fountain to a create a lemon-lime-orange-root-beer battery acid you called “Suicide” or “Graveyard” or, if you were really dark, “Adam Walsh.” Then you’d play a few rounds of Ivan “Ironman” Stewart’s Off-Road, stroll home, and complain to your mom that there was nothing to eat in the house.
It was, literally, the highlight of your life.
The problem with nostalgia is that if you actually could go back in time, you’d discover all of it was pretty awful. You’d remember the crust was actually made of recycled pizza boxes. You’d wonder how pellets of meat were ever legal. You’d realize Ivan “Ironman” Stewart’s only claim to athletic fame is a video game in terrible pizza places.
But what if you could take all the vibes of that childhood pizza shop, put them somewhere nice, and serve pizza with quality ingredients, good beer, and decent wine? That magical land exists at the new Fratesi’s Pizza downtown, where venture through some scaffolding and you’ll be transported to a grown-up version of your after-school pizza memories, like a pepperoni-filled Narnia.
The space: The narrow little restaurant is a surreal trip back to childhood, like you’re dreaming of the old Pizza Place, but it doesn’t quite make sense. Tiffany lamps hang from the ceiling in an obvious nod to Pizza Hut, but they dangle between wood-lined walls that feel like a rec room pizza party. The walls’ décor trades on the same brand of upside down nostalgia – think odd paintings of clowns, semi-obscure 30-year-old movie posters, and suburban still lifes. All these little reminders of a bygone era, in a room filled with pizza.
The space is small and perpetually full, and while it’s not Indian restaurant, on-a-date- with-the-table-next-to-you cramped, you’ll need to score a booth for any privacy. Still, you’re not there for a romantic evening, you’re there for great pizza in familiar-yet-unfamiliar surroundings. And for that, Fratesi’s nails it.
What to eat and drink: Just so there’s no confusion, Fratesi’s is not an all-you-can-eat buffet. And really, you should be glad. Because when was the last time you went to an all-you-can-eat buffet** where you didn’t immediately consider calling the health department?
Fratesi’s trades in thin-crust, 15-inch pizzas packed with high quality ingredients. They’re an elevated take on the casual thin crusts of your childhood – my West Coast people may remember Shakey’s or Round Table - with addictive burnt cheese around the edges. Fratesi’s seamlessly incorporates modern pizza trends into the nostalgic style, forgoing I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Mozzarella cheese for pecorino romano and seasoned ricotta. Out are sausage pellets, in is gourmet chicken sausage. And specialty pies come covered in hot honey and chili oil. My pick among them was the Demon Pig Girl, a statement that’s both true of my dinner at Fratesi’s and my personal life.
There’s also a couple of basic salads if you need some greens - Caesar and arugula. You want more than that? Here’s a magnet for Sweetgreen. There were probably more sodas at the Graveyard fountain than there are beers and wines on Fratesi’s list. But again, this isn’t the Surf Club, and there’s enough variety to pair your pizza and catch a buzz.
The only nostalgia miss at Fratesi’s? The criminal lack of fountain sodas. Put a Graveyard on the menu, people would order the shit out of it.
Perfect for: Casual dinners downtown, or dinner before a show at the Olympia Theater across the street. Also, relatively cheap dates.
Expect to pay: About $40 per person. For pizza? Yes, for pizza. You can’t still have sticker shock if you live in Miami.
Pro tip: The pizza doesn’t fill you up as much as you think it will. It’s delicious, but two people can easily split one and not have to waddle out.
How’s the parking: Absolutely abysmal, even by downtown standards. Take the Metromover if you can. If you insist on driving, there’s a handful of garages around that’ll happily charge you the price of your dinner to park there.
@fratesis_pizza // 69 E. Flagler Street, Downtown
*assuming you were lucky enough to grow up somewhere you could stroll. Those of you who grew up in West Broward, I’m assuming you stole your parents’ car
**That wasn’t a $149-a-person dumping ground for leftovers and cheap prosecco called “brunch”